![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wouldbedorothy) wrote2007-10-07 12:35 am
Anybody Would Break, sequel to Guilty By Association
Author: AHS
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Rating: Rish for themes I guess
Timeline: post-AU122
Summary: Sequel to GBA. J's pov. Justin's not dealing very well with what happened to Daphne. But Brian's not giving up. 4885 words.
Warning: This story contains references to sexual assault.
Disclaimer: Not my characters!
I *really* do not know what I think of this one. Usually, when I write, I just write straight through, even when it comes slowly, and I post pretty much as is. I never really edit or go back and change anything. This one, I picked apart so much, I can only hope it vaguely resembles a fic, lol. *Sigh* I was trying for realism at first, but it was stifling my creativity, so I gave up. Well, I stopped thinking about it so much. Thank you to
jans_intentions for writerly spiritual guidance :)Guilty By Association can be found by scrolling down a little on my LJ.
Anybody Would Break
by AHS
I knew I loved Daphne that day in the seventh grade, when a bully (named Biff, or something equally ridiculous) knocked my lunch tray out of my hands in the cafeteria. His laughter at my expense was interrupted when she stomped on his foot so hard, I heard she actually broke his pinky toe. Of course, her anger was partly because she’d been sitting nearby, and when he knocked the tray, she got sprayed with flying fruit punch. But I handed her a bunch of napkins, she invited me to sit with her, and offered me some yogurt and half of her sandwich so I wouldn‘t starve.
We’ve been best friends ever since. She’s been there for me always… not blinking when I told her I was gay, lying to my mom when I asked her to, even telling me I could do better than Brian when she decided he wasn’t properly appreciating me.
Debbie calls me Sunshine because of my smile, and I guess my blond hair. But, Daph is like the sun. This little fireball, full of light, who makes everyone around her feel good and warm and happy.
So when I found out she had been… Christ, I remember saying the word right after my mom told me, but I’ve barely been able to think it since… When I found out she’d been raped, I… I couldn’t even fathom it. The thought of the sweetest person I knew being violated like that, of her being hurt, and by Chris fucking Hobbs, just destroyed me.
Would have even if I hadn’t blamed myself for it. If I hadn’t known Chris had attacked her as the next best thing to killing me. But I did.
And when Brian took me to the hospital to see her, I think I wanted to die. Because all that light inside her had gone out.
Brian was… really amazing. Not that I was surprised by that, but he was just so caring towards me, holding me, comforting me. He tried, anyway. And I loved him more than ever for it, but pretty soon I stopped letting him.
In all the months I’d been living at Deb and Vic’s, I can count on one hand with fingers left over the number of times Brian actually called or came over to see me. But after… he called or came by nearly every day, checking on me. At first, I’d go with him, to the diner or the loft. I wanted him to fuck me, I really did, but as soon as we’d start to go past kissing, I couldn’t help but think of Daph. How she couldn’t enjoy this kind of thing anymore. How the last time Brian and I were together, in his bed, she was being hit and raped and dumped on the cold ground.
For some reason, Brian still kept coming by. One time, he took me to Woody’s and introduced me to some silver-haired but young-looking “friend of his.” Which made me immediately suspicious, because Brian has exactly four friends, only two of whom he claims, but all four of whom I know. Just when I’d started to wonder if this was some misguided attempt to loosen me up with a threesome, the man’s slightly less and less subtle questions to me made me realize what was really going on. I told him it was nice meeting him, got up and ran out.
“Justin! Fucking wait a minute!”
I rolled my eyes at Brian’s voice behind me, walking to the Jeep and leaning against the passenger side. “I’m not running away, Brian. You’re my ride. I’m waiting for you.”
He unlocked the doors, grumbling “ungrateful” something, and we both got in.
“That was pretty rude, you know,” he said, nodding back towards the bar.
“I was incredibly polite. He seemed like a nice guy, but I don’t appreciate being ambushed by you and a head shrinker, especially when I don’t need my head shrunk.” I narrowed my eyes at Brian. “You didn’t pay him for that would-be ‘session,’ did you?”
“None of your business,” he said. Followed by, “No.”
“I’m sure you’ll find other ways to make it up to him,” I said, my words suggestive but my voice flat. “You should. I’m no good for anything, anymore. You should be at Babylon right now, finding a trick, or two or three. Why are you here?”
He sighed in frustration, sinking his head against the steering wheel for a second, then raising it again. “Why are you home every time I call? Debbie told me you haven’t seen Daphne since that day at the hospital.”
“You’re gonna start on me now? Like I don’t hear it enough from Deb.”
“It’s apparently not sinking in. Look, when you first found out, you had to get to Daphne right away. Why are you staying away now?”
“I’m sure she doesn’t need a lot of people crowding her.”
“You’re not a lot of people, Justin. You’re her best friend.”
Why can’t they get it? Debbie, my mother, now Brian… If anyone might have understood, I thought it would be him. “What would you do?”
His face got defensive, not understanding what I was asking but not liking things being turned on him. “What do you mean?”
“What would you do if something that horrible happened to Lindsay? Or Michael? Fuck, what if it happened to me? What if Hobbs had been able to get to me like he wanted and bash my skull in or something? I’d probably be dead, but what if I wasn’t? I know you. You might not let it show, but you’d blame yourself. Are you really telling me you wouldn’t stay away from me?”
I half-expected some snarky response about how he’d been telling me to stay away since we met, but I didn’t get one. I watched his Adam’s apple bob in profile as he swallowed, his head turn to the left, pretending to look at something, and then his hands lighting a cigarette. “That didn’t happen,” he finally said. “And you’re not me. You’re better.”
I couldn’t have heard him right. “Someone is better than the great Brian Kinney?”
“Not in the important ways, like looks, money, or sexual prowess. But, in terms of… what the fuck is it… emotional accessibility? I sure thought you were. C’mon,” he smiled. “Show me up.”
“Cute, Brian.”
“She’s been asking for you.”
My breath stilled. “How do you know that?”
“She wasn’t hearing from you, so she called me. Then I called her once or twice.”
“You’ve been talking to Daphne?”
“Yeah, well… somebody had to. Somebody that wasn’t her parents, or a doctor, or a cop.”
I already felt like shit, but finding out that Brian had been the friend to Daphne I should have been really shamed me. “How is she?” I asked, keeping my eyes half-closed to hide the forming tears.
“She’s been going through hell,” he replied, never one for bullshit. “But she’s really strong, that girl. You may not believe in therapy, or me either, but she’s been going, and it seems like it’s helping her. She’s determined to take down Chris Hobbs, too. She filed charges, and Mel’s offering her legal know-how.”
So much was happening in my best friend‘s life, and I didn’t know about any of it. I finally realized that it didn’t matter anymore if Daph getting hurt was my fault. Staying away now wasn’t helping her. I was just being a coward.
“I’ll go see her tomorrow. I promise. If you take me to Babylon right now and get me really drunk?”
“I suppose I could do that.” He stubbed out his cigarette and turned the key in the ignition.
“Brian… thank you,” I told him. “For being there for Daphne. And… for not giving up on me when I was acting like a shit.”
“If I gave up on you whenever you acted like a shit, you’d be a go-go boy in Chelsea right now.”
He had pulled out into the street and was driving towards Babylon, eyes straight ahead. I leaned over and kissed his cheek, holding my lips there for several seconds. He grunted and tried not to smile.
“You’re welcome, Sunshine.”
******
The next morning, I made it past Mrs. Chanders’ death stare, all the way upstairs to Daphne’s bedroom door before I realized I was terrified. I didn’t know how I should be around her. Should I hug her? Would she flip out? Did she hate me? I talked myself out of going in even as I knocked, but I was so thrilled to hear her voice sounding familiar, saying “Come in,” I did.
I think I was expecting her to be in bed, wearing her thick, fluffy bathrobe she always wears when she’s sick. Hiding from the world under a mountain of covers.
She was sitting at her computer desk, in jeans and a long-sleeved shirt, typing away at something. When the door opened, she looked up and gave me a tired smile. She looked like herself. Her light was dim, but it was there. Her shirt said, “be fearless.”
“There you are. Where have you fucking been?”
It was like hearing her curse at me was what made me know she was going to be okay. I stepped inside the room, tentatively closing the door behind me. She stood and took a couple of steps forward, so I thought maybe it was okay to give her a hug. At my motion, she flinched and skittered back. Shit, I knew I shouldn’t have come…
“I’m so sorry, Daph, I shouldn’t have…”
“Justin, it’s okay. Just… let me.”
I saw her gathering herself, calming herself for a few moments. Then she stepped towards me again and put her arms around me, chin on my shoulder, squeezing more tightly than I expected. Yet that’s when I finally felt like I could breathe again. Somehow I knew not to hug back. My arms remained at my sides.
When Daphne pulled away, she tried to explain. “Nobody could get near me at all, at first.” She seemed to shrink a couple of inches, just in that second, remembering. “But… it’s getting better, slowly. I still can’t really stand to be touched, but if I’m the one doing it…”
“You’re still in control,” I finished, understanding.
“Yeah.” She sat at the head of her bed, leaning against her mountain of pillows and wrapping her arms around herself. She nodded to the foot of the bed, to let me know it was okay to join her.
I watched her, studying. It was weird. She was Daphne, but different. Less animated. Her voice seemed a little softer, yet deeper. Her eyes were older and wouldn’t hold mine for as long as they used to… They kept darting away.
“So… I appreciate that you came to the hospital, Justin, but that was three weeks ago. Why haven’t I seen you since then? Fuck, not even after graduation. I was starting to resemble a human by then. A report would‘ve been nice. I wanted to go, but my mom wouldn‘t let me.”
“Good for your mom,” I said before I could censor myself. “Sorry. But why would you want to put yourself through that? I didn’t even want to go. But, between my mom, Debbie, and Brian, I had no choice.”
“Good for them,” she tossed back at me.
“It was just a stupid ceremony, Daph. Walking across a stage and getting handed a little framed square. Ten seconds of that, in the middle of two hours of boredom, surrounded by screaming classmates, ninety percent of whom we never liked and never liked us.”
“I earned it, though. It’s a rite of passage.”
I was about to tell her she sounded like Debbie, but then she said this.
“I just hate feeling like he took anything else from me.”
I swallowed hard and looked away, hearing her refer to Chris for the first time.
“Was he there?”
I fucking hated that it was even a question. But Hobbs was out on bail and apparently actually could have attended graduation like any other student. “No, thank God. Although, there was a group of girls from Drama Club who were ready with signs, angry chants, and rotten eggs if he’d shown up.”
That made her smile. I didn’t tell her about the others. Mostly Hobbs’ football buddies and a few of the more evil cheerleaders, and the way they were talking about her. Instead, I pointed at the diploma on Daphne’s wall. “Important thing is, you still graduated, right?”
“Yeah. They let me skip exams. Special circumstances, or something. I came out with a 3.85.”
“That’s awesome! So fucking smart.”
“Please. You’re smarter than me.”
“Smarter than I.”
“See?” She laughed, just a tiny bit, but it made me so happy.
“You were definitely a better student, though.”
“It helps not fantasizing about Brian all through class.”
“Yeah, I guess so… He’s really been there for you, huh?”
She nodded. “When you weren’t.”
I felt that shame again. I couldn’t avoid the conversation we needed to have anymore. “Daph… I’m so sorry. I am so, so sorry.”
She shrugged. “Good. I missed you, asshole. But you’re here now.”
“No, not just that. I’m sorry that it was my fight and you’re the one who got hurt. I’m sorry that I left you there because all I could think about was what I wanted. I’m sorry that I can’t go back and let him just kill me so you could be okay!”
“Justin…” She looked at me wide-eyed, twirling a strand of curls around her wrist and tugging. I felt bad for raising my voice, like I might have scared her, but she just shook her head and said, “Are you crazy? If you’d been killed, I would not be okay. And neither would your mom, or your sister, or Brian… He said you were blaming yourself. But, I have to tell you, I really can’t bring myself to feel sorry for you right now.”
“God, that’s not what I want! I just…” I put my head in my hands, hard, almost slapping myself. It wasn’t fair of me to cry, but I couldn’t help it. “I just want to know how to help you… I want to help you.”
After a moment’s quiet, she said, “Okay. Then let me thank you.”
“What?” That brought my head up. I was so confused, but her eyes were sure. “What are you talking about?”
“Thank you… for being my first time.”
“Daph…”
“I mean it. I know it was weird for you, and you really didn’t have to say yes, but you did because I asked you. Because it was important to me to be with someone I loved, and who made me feel safe… I just didn’t know how important.” Tears wet her eyelashes and made a slow path down her cheeks. “If not for you…” She cleared her throat, forcing out the next words. “The rape would have been my first experience.”
I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t even thought of that. I inched my hand closer to hers, so she could take it if she wanted.
“I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be able to handle, you know… intimacy… I can‘t even think about…” She shut her eyes tightly and shook her head. “But, at least I have a nice memory to hold onto.” She smiled just a little, eyes opening. “Even if you just did it out of pity.”
“Nuh uh. No pity. I was honored.” I touched her hair softly. “And you were beautiful.”
“I’m glad you’re here.” Her hand closed around mine. “You make me feel a little more like me. Most days… I don’t anymore.”
“You know who you are? You’re my hero, Daph. Always have been.” I blinked back the rest of my tears and tried to give her a smile of strength. “Now, tell me how we’re going to take the son of a bitch down.”
******
Fuck.
Fuck asshole defense lawyers. Fuck the stupid fucking “justice” system. And fuck that motherfucker Chris Hobbs he needs to fucking die for putting her through this…
The case hadn’t even made it to trial yet. Who’s ever heard of a committal hearing, and who the fuck knew it could be even worse than the trial? I stayed up all night, thinking about her face when she came out of the courtroom. The more I tried not to, the more all I could hear was her sobs and all I could see was her clutching onto her mother. It was like all the progress she had made over weeks had been… beaten out of her by the defense’s questions.
I wished Mel could have been Daphne’s lawyer, but Daph was assigned some public prosecutor woman. Mel had friends, though, connections, and when I called her, she knew everything that had been said while Daphne was on the stand. She was so angry, she was boiling over, and she started spilling information before I even asked.
That night, on the way to my Dad’s, pieces kept screaming across my brain…
Hobbs’ lawyer is a fucking pig. Technically, he’s not supposed to be able to question Daphne’s sexual history, but since it’s only a hearing, he got away with it… He tried to gloss over Daphne’s injuries by, of course, insinuating that she likes it rough. Oh, and that’s just one of various forms of kink she‘s into. He actually cited her having a sexual relationship with her gay friend as a supposed example. Don’t fucking get me started on the comparison there.
I used the key I stole from my mom to get into his apartment when I knew he’d be working late at the store…
His job is to make her out to be either a liar or confused. Hinting that she’s had a secret crush on Hobbs, that she really wanted it, and that she only “cried rape” because he rejected her afterwards. Twisted every word she said, when he even fucking let her talk.
Broke into that lockbox he never knew I knew the combination to…
Might be as sick as his client. At one point, he even suggested that Daphne was having a sexual relationship with you and Brian both. Something about the three of you at prom… Brian kissing her, talking about fu-… I mean, I wouldn’t put anything past Brian, but… Hey, sweetie, I’m sorry.
Took what I came for and kept it hidden in my bag as I rode the bus, too full of rage and hatred to even be scared…
And, of course, Hobbs’ story is that not only was the sex consensual, but that he found Daphne alone and crying, she came on to him, and basically he did it out of pity. Because he‘s such a great guy… You know, she was prepared for testimony, and she’s strong, but besides dealing with all that shit, she had to relive the rape. Describe every detail to the court. She was up there for a long time. Anybody would break, Justin.
******
Then I don’t know how it happened… It’s blurry…
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
Suddenly I was face to face with Chris Hobbs. I had him cornered somehow… somewhere. But his face was sneering, laughing.
“She was actually a pretty hot piece of ass. My only regret is not wearing a condom. God only knows where she and her faggots have been.”
He stopped laughing. I think it was because of the .45 revolver I was pointing at his head. But he wouldn’t shut up. Didn’t believe me yet.
“I brought you something that night, you know. My baseball bat. I was gonna beat the shit out of you, Taylor. Even before your boyfriend showed up. Maybe he could have watched, huh? Like I had to watch you put on your disgusting little show… You’d have been begging me to kill you.”
Something ran me at Chris, knocking us into the wall. I was holding him down with the gun pushed inside his mouth. He’d believe me now.
“Like you will be? I should have brought a baseball bat tonight. Fucked you with it. Raped you with it until you cried and screamed and begged me to stop. Shoved it so far up your ass, you would be the one to fucking break! But I guess a bullet will have to do.”
I heard the click in my hand and my heart ticking in my chest but then I heard…
“Justin.”
I felt warmth licking at the edges of my skin, threatening the ice inside my chest I was trying to keep frozen. Hard frozen so I could do what needed to be done.
“Easy, Justin. He… he’s gonna go to prison. Leave fucking him to his cellmate… okay?”
Brian?… Brian’s voice full of something that made it tremble.
“J-Justin… take the gun out of his mouth. I know you want to do this, I don’t blame you. I‘d pull the trigger with you… I‘d hide the body if I thought it would help… but it won‘t.”
I wasn’t sure if Brian was really there, but his voice pulled my hand back a little. But I still wouldn’t stop aiming at Chris, his face a bullseye in my sight.
“You’re better, remember? Don’t do this.”
Had I been shaking so much the whole time? I didn’t understand why Brian didn’t want me to pull the trigger. He loved Daphne, too.
“Justin… it’s not fair to her. Everything she’s already had to go through, filing charges, testifying… If you kill him now, she’ll have gone through it all for nothing.”
“This is for Daphne… I couldn’t save her before, but I can now… He has to die.” My words sounded like someone else, but I knew I meant them. I cocked the gun again and Chris whimpered. I liked that.
“No, no, no…. Listen to me, listen to me… You do this? You go to prison for murder. How do you think she’ll handle that?”
I felt Brian coming closer.
“How the fuck do you think I’d handle it?”
I felt his… fear. And then I saw it. Fear and more in his face, so bare, and how his hand shook just as badly as mine.
“I wouldn’t, Justin… I couldn’t.”
He was saying something important. I couldn’t quite register it, but I was melting. Chris’s sweaty, scared face went out of focus and into the background. Brian was foreground. Brian was all I could see.
“Please… give me the…”
Brian said ‘please’ and like a magic word made my hand relax and he took the gun from me. I felt very heavy and leaned my body on a sink, cold. Chris started to run but Brian stopped him with an arm pressed to his throat. Told him if he even thought about trying to tell anyone about this…… and then whispered something in Chris’s ear that made him go even paler than he was. He nodded and was gone.
“Are you okay?… Hey. Hey, talk to me. You okay?”
I remember feeling dizzy and sick and sweet hands on my face and falling when my lips tried to move but couldn‘t make sounds.
I remember Brian wrapping me around him, and when I woke up in the loft I was still in his arms.
******
“Don’t tell Daphne what I did… Please, Brian…”
“Shhh, I won’t. Go back to sleep.”
He answered my questions… most of them… later. After I’d slept in his bed for fourteen hours, only part of that time alone. And he had, though he wouldn’t make a big deal of it, skipped work to stay with me. Told how he found me. The full story of the guy Brian had paid to watch Chris ever since he made bail calling Brian because he noticed me following Chris… and Brian riding like the cavalry into the men’s room of some “goddamned straight bar” and talking me down from blowing Hobbs’ brains out.
He also yelled at me later. A lot. I’ve never seen him so angry. But, that night, and into the next day, he put the anger on hold to take care of me… again.
“What were you thinking?” he asked me quietly, pulling me back against his chest and running his fingers over my hair in calming patterns. Sitting between his legs with his knees folding me in, I was in a protective bubble of Brian.
“I don’t know. I barely remember. It’s so… fucked in my head. Almost like a dream, a nightmare… You saved me.”
He wouldn‘t acknowledge that part. “Did you take something?”
“Take?… No, no drugs.” I kept squeezing my right hand. It was like I could still feel the revolver. It got better when Brian’s fingers took up the massage.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen somebody that jacked up on pure hate. You fucking passed out, too. Scared the shit out of me.”
“I did?”
He narrowed his eyes at the surprise in my voice, but saw that it was genuine and sighed. “You could have thrown your life away fifty different ways tonight, Justin. Just being where you were, nevermind what you… I don’t want you to die, all right? Or spend the rest of your life behind bars because of that piece of shit Hobbs.”
I turned in his arms. Put my chin on his chest and felt his breath go up and down. Put my hand on the back of his neck, warm and damp. “What do you want?”
I thought that was an obvious cue to kiss me. Maybe too obvious, because he didn’t. He pulled me a little closer but just looked at me. Then his eyes dropped and he cleared his throat.
“I want you to stop playing with guns. I’m too young for a fucking heart attack.”
“You were really scared.” He’d admitted it, but I was still marveling.
Brian was quiet for a moment. “I’d never seen someone drown in front of me. You were drowning. In all that hate for Hobbs, for yourself. I don’t think you’ve hated as much in your whole life as you have these last weeks. I wanted to pull you out of it, but… even standing right next to you, I didn‘t know if I could get to you.”
I wondered if he realized the way he was looking at me. Or sometimes, more tellingly, not looking at me. I wondered if he heard the beauty in what he was saying. The meaning in what he wasn’t. Not only was he still scared… he was nervous.
“You always get to me.” I ghosted my lips over his jaw. “But it looks like I finally got to you.”
His short, sarcastic laugh, I recognized, was in response to the word “finally.”
My lips rubbed his in wanting nudges, then opened as his mouth enveloped mine. I licked inside and tasted a feeling come to the surface. I thought of Brian kissing me against the Jeep, back when prom night was simply the best night of my life. Some sweetness like never before caught on my tongue then and here it was again.
I knew what it was now. I wondered if he did.
It’s so strange to feel the anticipation of rejection in Brian Kinney, but I could tell he was expecting me to pull away. I hadn’t let him have me in thirty-eight days… and twelve and a half or so hours. Much… too… long.
I rocked gently against his hardness and he groaned, thinking I was being cruel. He held my hips still. I shook my head and nuzzled his nose, whispering.
“I need you to save me again.”
And I knew when his eyes fell closed and he kissed me, whispering “little shit” like the sweetest words of love onto my lips, before covering me and fucking me slowly but urgently, perfectly back home… I knew it meant saving us both.
******
Chris Hobbs did go to prison. Sickeningly, his sentence was only three years. But, at least he was marked as guilty. Daph said that was what she’d needed most.
Brian decided that she also needed his Jeep. It was really hard for her to even be in a car after the rape, but the Jeep seemed easier, so he gave it to her. He claimed it was just an excuse to buy himself some European sports car he’d been wanting. But Daph and I know the truth.
Brian also moved me into the loft after that night. At first, he just kept letting me stay. When I brought up the fact that I was living there, he said it was to keep an eye on me until the trial was over. But, after it was over, he didn’t say anything about me leaving, and I knew better than to open my mouth and remind him. So, I’m still here.
As he tells me all the time, “It doesn’t mean we’re married.”
No. But when I broke, he put my pieces back together with his. And that means everything.
no subject
"Which made me immediately suspicious, because Brian has exactly four friends, only two of whom he claims, but all four of whom I know" ROTFL...I really loved that line!
You did a great job w/this!
no subject
Thanks so much!!
Your icon is still getting to me. In fact, it's making me quote my own G/R love scene in my head, which is just sick, lol. Something about Gale's landscapes... his hills and valleys and muscles and sleek :)
no subject
no subject
The first one flowed pretty easily. But this one, the sequel, was probably the toughest thing I've ever had to write. I did end up being pleased with it, though, and I'm *very* happy you were as well!
From 6frog (I don't know how to make my name come up.)
(Anonymous) 2015-07-29 07:08 am (UTC)(link)Love from 6frog
Re: From 6frog (I don't know how to make my name come up.)