wouldbedorothy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wouldbedorothy) wrote2010-05-12 06:31 pm
wouldbedorothy) wrote2010-05-12 06:31 pm
Entry tags:
The Lightning Strike: Part Three. Written for QAF Big Bang.
Title: The Lightning Strike
Author: wouldbedorothy (AHS)
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Rating: R to nc-17 lite
Word Count: 6,990 for part three; 16,855 for entire fic
WARNING: Um, yeah. It's mpreg. Also, raw sex in this chap.
Summary: Set two years post-513, Justin is back in Pittsburgh with Brian, where he belongs. No sooner do they enter into the shocking world of monogamy than they find themselves in much more daunting and unfamiliar territory... Justin's pregnancy. It's a universe where pregnancy for men is neither unheard of nor common. How will B/J deal with the unexpected news and the changes it brings to their life together?
Disclaimer: Not my characters, except for one or two. And I rewrote the health & science books.
Titled after and contains some lyrics from the Snow Patrol song epic, "The Lightning Strike."
Gorgeous banner is by
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
chosenfire28! Link to her art post: http://chosenfire28.livejournal.com/135518.html#cutid1Written for QAF Big Bang: http://community.livejournal.com/qafbigbang/
The Lightning Strike
by AHS
Part Three:
And in the middle of the flood I felt my worth
When you held onto me like I was your little life raft
Please know that you were mine as well
“Are you ready?”
“God, yes.”
***
They’d made it. Six months.
It had taken to this point, not just to get the 100% free and clear, but for both of them to be ready… at the same time… to enjoy each other without hang-ups.
When Justin’s body really started to change… putting on weight, belly expanding… it wreaked havoc with his self-esteem, especially in regards to sex. And that fucking threw Brian, because his partner had always been very sexually confident. Natural nervousness aside, he’d even been a fairly cocky virgin. The one exception was the time after the bashing, but that had been different. That had been trauma living in his skin, fear wired into his body and mind. This was purely Justin feeling unattractive, and Brian felt almost as at a loss as he had before at how to make Justin better because the idea was so unfathomable to him.
Finally, one night, when Justin was about five months along, Brian started to go down on Justin and Justin wouldn’t let him. Kept pulling him back up, turning away.
“I don’t need that.”
“You don’t need me to blow you?”
“…I don’t want you to.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“You know why.”
“Tell me. Humor me.”
“I don’t want you looking-… Brian, I’m fat, I’ve got stretch marks. Even my dick’s starting to look smaller as my stomach gets bigger!”
Brian tried not to laugh, because that really would not help. “Well, it still feels pretty damn big in my mouth.”
Justin just threw an arm over his eyes. Suddenly, he felt Brian’s hand around his cock and Brian’s chin resting lightly on his stomach.
“And in my hand. Hmm. Maybe if I jerk you off while I do this, it won’t seem so painfully lesbianic.”
Then there were small kisses raining over his belly where the skin was stretched tight like a drum. And Brian, for naughty good measure, threw in a little tongue-fucking of Justin’s belly button, which happily had not popped out yet. Coupled with the slow stroking by Brian’s hand, and Justin was moaning, arousal outweighing embarrassment.
“Justin, listen to me. Are you listening?”
Justin bit his lip to hold back a smile. “Yes.”
“You are fucking beautiful, okay? And you’re just hot. Justin Taylor is hot, that’s a fact, no getting around it. There hasn’t been a day I’ve known you that I haven’t wanted to fuck you.”
Justin revealed his eyes, not quite believing, brow raised in question.
“From the beginning. Whether we were together or not. When you had that really gross cold and were basically a human snot factory. When you’d shut yourself up in your studio working for like three days straight and hadn’t showered and you stank and had paint and Cheetos in your hair. Couldn’t get enough. You think a little bit of a gut is gonna turn me off?
Brian watched understanding sink into blue eyes, and then, to complete his point, sank low and quickly swallowed Justin, setting him free.
Later, they talked, and Justin shared some of the worries he’d been holding in, about his pale white skin no longer being flawless, and the unlikelihood of his body ever again being exactly the body Brian was used to.
“If nothing else, I’ll have a scar.”
“And we’ll be as proud of that scar as of this one.” Brian touched a fingertip to Justin’s temple. Hidden, barely visible now… “But this time we’ll have a better souvenir of what you went through.” He palmed Justin’s stomach and their souvenir kicked on cue.
***
“Brian, look at me.”
Justin shifted onto his back, that Brian had just been molded against. Brian moved to kneel between his spread legs, leaning over him.
“I want you looking down at me like this when you push in. I want it to be like the first time but so different.”
“I don’t think I can bend you in half like I did the first time,” Brian said, jokingly, to keep from fucking tearing up.
“I just want to see your eyes when-”
Brian silenced Justin with a fierce kiss, that gentled slowly, until he pulled back and stared openly at his husband. Palmed and pressed bare cock inside him.
Something was there that had always been there. But, more than that, it was different. God, it was so different.
***
They were not legally married.
They actually could have been. When procreation became involved, a lot of new legislature was quickly introduced. Very few courts were comfortable with denying two individuals who shared a 100% biological child the right to marry, gay or not. It was now legal in forty-two states, including Pennsylvania, for two gay males who had conceived a child to get married.
They considered it. But a DNA test would have been required to prove the baby was Brian’s, and that was bullshit they didn’t need to deal with. Anyway, Justin was pretty adamant about not wanting to do it just because they now happened to fit into almost a legal loophole. He didn’t want to do it legally until everybody could. Brian proudly agreed.
So, they had private vows to themselves, and a ceremony just for the family. Both at Britin (into which they finally moved, though they kept the loft). No fucking seating charts. No extravagant plans that caused more headaches than happiness. Simple.
But… there were golden gardenias, there were Hugo Boss tuxes, and there was dancing.
***
Everything was… hotter. Quite literally.
It shouldn’t make that much difference, should it? The lack of that thin latex barrier? But Brian’s cock was hotter and Justin’s ass was hotter and they both thought they might melt before they were done.
Maybe it was just the knowledge that it was gone. Maybe it was what it meant. That all barriers were gone. That they were completely theirs, only theirs, at last. Whatever it was, it was fucking amazing.
Brian gripped the tops of Justin’s thighs and pulled him down with every thrust. But he wanted their skin to touch everywhere, and he couldn’t put weight down on Justin like he used to, so he pulled out and settled Justin on his side, getting behind him, sliding back inside like he‘d never left.
He loved cradling Justin close, feeling his skin like fire all over. Wrapping an arm around his chest, sometimes his belly, and fucking him slow and deep. Harder when he heard that small whimper that meant Justin needed more.
***
Brian never held back when it came to sex, and finding out Justin was pregnant didn’t change that.
Not right away.
It wasn’t until about three months in… the ultrasound. Lindsay had shown him the sonogram picture of Gus when she was pregnant, sure. But, one, he hadn’t been fucking Lindsay, and two, it was completely different to be there. To see movement on the screen and hear that heartbeat like thunder… or, as Justin said, like the thumpa-thumpa beat of Babylon.
The baby wasn’t just an idea anymore. He could see it and hear it and it was growing inside Justin. And Brian got a little weird about sex.
It was just for a few days that it was really an issue. But it was worrisome to have Brian Kinney pushing for hand jobs and blow jobs and brushing off the full act. Justin knew it was because of the ultrasound, but at first he thought it had turned Brian off, which was not the case. As Brian would tell Justin when called on it, he was also not having irrational fears of his cock hitting the baby when they fucked, or of the baby hearing what they were doing (“He better get used to it. He’s gonna be hearing a lot of that as he grows up. At least I fucking hope so!”).
It wasn’t anything in particular he could explain. He just got a little freaked out. He had to adjust. He got over it.
Of course, then there was a bit of an issue over Brian, in Justin’s opinion, getting too gentle with him when they fucked, right around the time that Justin was at his hormonal horniest. While Justin had to realize he was no longer a solo passenger on Mr. Kinney‘s Wild Ride, as it were, he also refused to give up getting fucked into the mattress any sooner than the laws of physics demanded.
They found some highly pleasurable compromises as the pregnancy went along.
***
Fuck… so… good…
Orgasms lingered, vibrating pleasure remnants throughout their bodies at the feel of hot, sticky cum, pure between them, from Brian into Justin, dripping out, along his crack, behind his balls and down still quaking thighs.
No need to pull out right away. Raw, even the slow softening inside was a good feeling.
“I love you,” Brian breathed in Justin’s ear.
“You said that when you came.” Justin smiled, remembering both moments earlier and the very first time that happened. “But thanks for saying it again. Fuck, I love you, too.”
*****
The entire second trimester had marked a major creative surge for Justin. He couldn’t stop painting, all the fear and love he was experiencing so strongly with the pregnancy making for powerful inspirational material. Brian had to hover, whether in person or with frequent phone calls, to make sure Justin was taking breaks and sitting down.
He had a show at the Bloom Gallery (and an offer of one at the Lenox in Manhattan, after the baby was born). His art was tremendously well-received, and nearly every piece sold. Not to mention, though Brian did, he looked fucking amazing. Bless Prada for coming out with a line of paternity formal wear.
But he still couldn’t help but worry, as he worked the crowd and shook hands and withstood gawking and nosy questions of when he was due, that some of the people were there just to… check out the freak.
Justin would not be made to feel like a freak again. He never had for being gay. Not when kids at school called him names, kicked him around. Not when his dad slapped his face or called his lifestyle ‘disgusting.’ The one time he’d felt like a freak had been those first few months after the bashing, barely able to function, and not just his hand. Brian made him feel human again.
Justin didn’t need Brian to do that now. No, Justin was fucking proud to be having their baby. But, on the occasion that someone on the street gave him a disparaging glance or made a “tsk” sound, it felt damn good to have Brian there, aiming looks that could kill with an arm proudly around him.
*****
Come month seven, Emmett and Debbie took it upon themselves to throw Justin and Brian a baby shower. Probably the only time the diner had ever been “closed for a private party.” Daphne was there, Jennifer and Molly, and Tessa, an open-minded hetero expectant single mom Justin had befriended at the doctor’s office. Plus all the guys, who had surely never expected to be attending such an event in their lives. But Emmett had gone all out… maybe too out (but, being Em, they wouldn‘t have expected less)… with the theme, with both a real, edible cake, and a cake made entirely of diapers. He’d arranged games such as Bobbing For Pacifiers and Bottle Suck (who could suck milk… or Cosmos… from a baby bottle the fastest), and not surprisingly won them both. And they’d decorated the place with chains of cock rings, with baby rattles hanging from them.
It was all insane and wonderful. Even Brian, who’d balked at attending, had a good time laughing at everyone making idiots of themselves.
The trouble started with the gifts. Most of them were great. Car seat. Onesies. Tub toys. Picture frames. Jennifer had even gotten the baby’s first designer jeans and T-shirt from Armani Baby, to which Brian reacted by bending her dramatically backward and kissing her cheek.
But then some jackass… no, make that two… Michael and Ted… (Brian’s best friends, sure, but these were the same yahoos who thought it’d be a swell idea to take him to a funeral parlor for his 30th birthday)… gave Justin a breast pump.
There was also an entire breastfeeding basket, including nipple butter, to ease soreness, and something terrifyingly called Booby Tubes, to help with clogged ducts.
Brian kind of wanted to knock their skulls together, Three Stooges style, then hold them under the water in the pacifier bobbing tub. But he waited to see how his hubby would react.
Justin got up, came around where Michael and Ted were sitting and giggling, like he was going to hug them from behind, and poured milk over both of their heads. As they sputtered, he put his hands up to his boob-less chest and squeezed, lamenting, “Oh God, I’m sorry! I just can’t control these things!” Then stormed off into the bathroom.
Brian waved off Daphne and everyone else. Told them if they were very lucky, they might be graced with his and Justin’s presence again shortly. And went after him. Knocked and was let in with just an utterance of “Sun-,”which surprised Brian, because it was a definite risk calling him “Sunshine” when he was in this kind of mood.
Brian eyed Justin suggestively as he locked the door behind him. “All right. This is how you liven up a party.”
“I do not have breasts!”
It was not Justin’s queenliest pregnancy moment. That moment occurred twice: first time he couldn’t see his dick when he looked down (soft), followed by the first time he couldn’t see his dick, part 2 (The Hardness).
Still, Brian blinked at the forceful and unnecessary declaration. “Now, I love your tits best of all I’ve encountered, but they are on the tiny side, I’ll admit.”
Justin just seethed. Okay, maybe not the time for jokes.
“C’mon, is this really bothering you?”
“No. I mean, not this, not really. I guess I just don’t find it funny because sometimes I feel… I don’t feel very masculine.” Justin laughed at himself before Brian could even respond. “Like I ever was, right?”
“What are you talking about?”
Justin stood there, looking down at the round belly his hand was protectively clutching, as if to protect the baby from words he himself might say. “Sometimes I don’t know how you could even see me as a man now.”
“Of course I fucking see you as a man! What else would I see you as?”
“Brian, remember when you had cancer. Remember trying to hide it from me?”
“…Yeah.”
“No, I’m not comparing the baby to cancer, but you worried I’d see you as less of a man because you only had one ball! How do you think I feel? I’m fucking pregnant!”
Brian walked up behind Justin and stood close, letting him lean back a little, starting a shoulder rub. “Look… I don’t know how the hell you do it. I know I couldn’t. But you do. You manage to be pregnant and this fucking sexy man at the same time.” He shrugged. “Didn’t your mother always tell you you were gifted?”
“Do you think the reason I have the genetic marker that allows for this is because I’m kind of…?”
“What?”
Justin‘s nose wrinkled. “Effeminate? I never really thought of myself that way, but I guess I am, at least relatively speaking.”
Before Brian could figure out what the fuck to say to that, there was a knock on the door.
“Guys? It’s Drew.”
Justin and Brian looked at each other in confusion. Drew was their friend, but they wouldn’t have picked him as the one who’d come check on them.
“Maybe he has to take a piss,” Brian mumbled. Justin cautiously unlocked the door and let him inside.
“Sorry to interrupt. Justin, Michael and Ted said they’re stupid and sorry they upset you. Brian, they said not to feel left out, they got you your own breast pump.”
Brian scowled (partly at Justin‘s giggle). “Tell them they really didn’t need to tell us they’re stupid. That we knew.”
“But that’s not why I came in. I have something to say to that last question of yours, Justin.”
“Fuck, can everybody hear us out there?”
“No. Emmett thought I should talk to you, and I heard what you were just saying when I was at the door. I want to give you… some information.”
“O-kay, go ahead.”
“Did you know that, back when you told us the news, some of us decided to get tested for the marker?”
“Yeah, and nobody had it.”
“That’s not exactly true.”
“But I remember. Michael and Ben and Ted and Em were all here, in the diner, sitting in a booth, and they were talking about it. Michael and Ben… right, they decided not to find out. But Ted said he and Blake, neither one had it. And Em said he didn’t.”
Justin could just barely make out Brian muttering, “That blows your theory.”
Drew didn’t hear, just smiled. “What about what he didn’t say? Or, who he didn’t?”
Brian and Justin looked at each other, mouths half open. No fucking way.
“Drew… you?”
“Apparently so. We didn‘t tell anybody else. We‘re just kind of holding on to the knowledge for now. But we thought you should know.”
Justin was amazed. He understood and was grateful. The football player was the furthest thing from feminine. For some reason, knowing they shared this did make him feel better.
“Justin, I don’t know why you or why me, but I do know… we’re lucky.”
“Whoa,” Brian jumped in. “Does that mean Drewsie and Mrs. Emmy Lou Drew are planning to take advantage of this possibility?”
“We’ve talked about it, a little. Who knows? If we can ever fully wrap our heads around it, maybe someday we’ll plan for it. Or maybe someday it’ll just… happen.”
“Ha ha. That would mean Emmett would have to fuck you.” Brian wasn’t naïve, no, but he was trying to picture Emmett topping (anybody, let alone Drew) and it was freaking him the fuck out.
“Oh. Right. That never happens,” Drew said, dripping sarcasm and grinning as he turned to leave.
“Just like it never happens with us!” Justin added with a wink. “Thanks, Drew.”
They were silent for about a minute once it was just the two of them.
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“Look, speaking of that thing that never happens… You think I’d let you do that… You think I’d want you to if I didn’t think you were all man?”
“Care to prove it at home tonight?” Justin challenged.
Brian wouldn’t back down. “Tell me where you want me.”
The tip of Justin’s tongue peeked out and his eyes narrowed. “I want you… bent over…… my feet. Rubbing them. As I lie on the couch and you feed me grapes. Fuck, I‘m exhausted.”
Justin had topped Brian bareback one time once they could. It was amazing but very tricky, and considering the weeks of uncomfortable pregnancy left and the time he’d need to heal from the surgery after, it would not be repeated for quite a while.
“Fucking tease. Feel better? I just need to know you‘re not gonna go all shaved head trying to prove something.”
“I promise. Bald pregnant man? That’s terrifying. And yeah, I’m good.”
“I could make you feel better.”
“Yes, you could. Get me a piece of cake.”
“They’re never going to believe we were in here this long and absolutely no kind of sex took place. Regardless of your delicate-“ he coughed, “manly but delicate condition. Mikey’ll think something’s wrong with me. He might call an ambulance to get my ass.”
“Cake now, and later, when everybody’s cleaning up out there, we’ll sneak back and I’ll blow you. Deal?”
“Deal. Remind me to grab that nipple butter. Joke‘s on them. We‘re fucking using that stuff.”
*****
In month eight, two pretty notable things happened.
First, Lindsay and Mel brought the kids back to the ‘Burgh to visit their dads, and Gus got to stay at Britin for five days. It was tough to tell which kid - Gus or Brian - was the most excited.
Brian and Justin had told Gus he was going to be a big brother again on a phone call a couple of months earlier, but this was the first time he’d seen Justin‘s stomach. His eyes got very wide.
“This is weird but cool.”
“Well said, Sonny Boy.”
“Timmy Messner said his uncle was having a baby but he lies sometimes.“ He put out a small hand, looking up to Justin, who nodded, before he touched.
Brian wondered how a kid of his (or Mel’s) could be so fucking polite. The power of two well-mannered blonds.
“Talk to him, Gus. He can hear you,” Justin encouraged.
“Hi. I’m your brother. I grew in my mommy’s tummy, not Jus’s, but I’m still your brother. Big brother. I live far away but I hope I get to see you. You’ll be more fun to play with than Jenny. I love her but she’s a girl and she‘s annoying.”
Justin wanted to laugh at some of Gus’s sentiments, but all he could see was the pain in Brian’s eyes when Gus talked about living far away. Not only was he missing his firstborn, but the thought of the boys not growing up together was killing him.
“Can I name him?” Gus asked.
That made Brian smile, if also a bit afraid. “Uh… what name?”
“I don’t know yet. I’m gonna think about it a lot. How long do I have?”
“A couple of months.” Justin looked at Brian, letting him know he was fine with it. “I think you naming your brother is a wonderful idea. Your daddy and I haven’t been able to pick one yet.”
Brian sidled in close to his husband, whispering in his ear. “You just better hope he doesn’t take after your method of naming babies after teddy bears. His fucking bear is named Mr. Stinky Paws.”
Gus tugged on his father‘s hand. “Dad, you’re sure it’s a boy?”
“Pretty sure.”
“Good. I‘m not picking girl names.” Gus patted Justin’s stomach sweetly. “If it’s a girl, don’t bring it home, ‘kay?”
*****
The second thing happened the day after Gus had gone back to Canada.
Tessa told Justin over lunch that afternoon. Justin wasn’t sure he wanted to share the news with Brian right away, both because he didn’t know what he thought of it himself, and because Brian was already dealing with missing Gus again. But, on the second point, maybe it would be a distraction.
That night, on the sofa, in front of the fire, Justin caught Brian in a willing cuddle and told him everything she’d said.
Tessa had recently made a casual mention of her new friend to her younger sister, Hailey, and her sister had immediately recognized Justin’s name. Turned out she’d been a student at St. James. A class below Justin, but she had been at the prom.
Hailey was now a freelance writer, and she wanted to write an article about Justin and Brian and the baby.
“What do you think? Hey.”
Brian’s body had tensed in a way only talk of the prom could cause. His eyes were distant and sad for a second, then focused and wary. “It’s strange that this girl just happened to make friends with you at the Doc’s and just happened to have this sister who went to school with you.”
“No, Brian, don’t go getting suspicious of Tessa. She didn’t know who I was… besides a pregnant man vandalizing old issues of Good Housekeeping.” For once unaccompanied by Brian, and bored in the waiting room, he’d done some interesting doodles of Bugs Bunny impregnating Yosemite Sam.
“Didn’t she go to St. James, too?”
“Even if she had, she would have been five years ahead of me. But no, she didn’t. Hailey’s her half-sister. They grew up in different states. Tessa didn’t move to Pittsburgh until after grad school.”
Brian nodded, relaxing a little. He was relieved that Justin’s friend was for real, and that he didn’t have to go medieval on a pregnant woman, because he really didn’t know how the fuck he could have.
“Why does this chick want to write about us?”
“I guess she thinks it’s a good story. What happened then, and now, all these years later, that we’re still together. Married. Baby on the way, which is a pretty incredible story in itself.”
“How did she know I was even the same guy?”
“Tessa had a picture of you and me from the shower. She showed it to Hailey when they realized the prom connection.”
“And, of course, I haven’t aged a day.”
Actually, Brian looked even better than he had back then, but Justin just smiled at him. “C’mon, we do have a fucking amazing story. You know it.”
“You sound like you’re trying to talk me into doing this. Does that mean you want to?”
“I honestly have no idea. Part of me, maybe. I feel like it would be a celebration of us, you know? We’ve been through so fucking much. And look at us.”
“We are fabulous,” Brian whispered in agreement, sneaking a wet kiss behind Justin’s ear. “But what does the other part of you say?”
“It says… I’m not sure I want to share us. I’m not sure I want to sit down with this girl who’s basically a stranger and know that she remembers moments that are so important to us and I don’t. And even now maybe I’m afraid to… jinx everything.”
“I think the loudest part of me is agreeing with that part of you so far.”
“And we don’t even know if she’d be able to sell the article, who she’d sell it to or where, but I don’t want my father to find out about the baby. I know he’s going to, eventually, but…” Justin knew it wasn’t fair to ask his mother, and especially his sister, to keep such a huge secret, but they had offered. “I don’t want him to. Not that I care if he thinks I’m even more of a mutant than he already does…”
Brian held him just a breath tighter. He knew Justin cared. Justin would always care.
“He just doesn’t deserve to know,” Justin finished.
“That’s for fucking sure. Same goes for Joan.”
“Debbie won’t tell her, will she?”
“Nah. After Deb found out what Mommie Dearest said about the cancer being my punishment from God for being gay, I think she reconsidered her stance on the woman‘s need-to-know status.”
“Good. So… I tell Tessa no?”
“Your call.”
“I’m going to tell her no. Maybe one day, after he’s here, we’ll feel differently, I don’t know. But we’ve got enough going on right now.”
“We don’t need Lois Lane to do some celebration of us. This baby, he’s the real celebration.”
Justin kind of laughed and cried at the same time, head falling back onto strong shoulder. “God, Brian, you still need to warn me when you’re going to say perfect shit like that.”
“Fuck no, I’ve got to keep you on your toes.”
“You do that, believe me. And soon you’ll have help.” Justin’s hands covered Brian’s, over the baby.
“But if it’s a girl, we can’t bring it home,” Brian laughed.
“Oh my God, Gus. He’s a character, that one. Honest. Knows what he wants. So like his dad.”
“I want him here.”
“I know.”
“I’m gonna keep working on Lindsay. Gus living away from me was one thing. He doesn’t really need me. But he needs to be near his brother.”
“Brian, Gus is a great kid, and he’s a pretty happy kid, but he’d be happier if he got to spend more time with you. He does need you.”
“The munchers think I’m replacing him.”
“If they think that, it’s just to keep from feeling guilty for keeping Gus away from you. I know they know how much you love Gus. Just like I know Gus knows. Like I‘ve always known.”
“You know every-fucking-thing, don’t you?”
“Yes. Do you know…”
“What?”
“Do you know when I fell in love with you?”
Brian raised a silent eyebrow and tried to look cocky while his chest turned inside out, waiting. He’d told Justin he loved him, many times, but he still hoped he wouldn’t be expected to ask (and then answer) the same question.
“As much as I tried to convince myself otherwise for a while, just because it sounds so foolish teenager, I really did fall in love with you that first night, at least a good portion of the way. It wasn’t at first sight. But it wasn’t when you fucked me, either.”
“Ahh, love at first rim job.”
“Nope. It was when I saw you at the hospital, holding Gus for the first time. The look in your eyes, like you couldn’t believe this perfect creature came from you. The way you smiled, like it surprised you that you loved him but you totally did. It inspired me. To keep showing up, to make you love me a little, because I knew you had it in you to give. And it was precious and beautiful and I wanted it. That moment, you meeting your son… that’s why you could never convince me you were heartless, hard as you tried. I’d already seen it wasn’t true.”
Brian knew in moments like these that he wasn’t heartless, because that place in his chest was full, swollen, uncomfortably so, and resounding through his body like thunder. He lowered his mouth to Justin’s, kissed, sipped, loved.
*****
In the final month, with the C-section only a few weeks away, Brian was acting a bit… off.
He’d been great the whole time, and he still was. But there were a couple of instances where Justin seemed to catch Brian in a lie. A lunch supposedly had with Michael, except that Justin had talked to Michael and knew that wasn’t true. A conference call that was going to keep him busy at a certain time, except that Cynthia knew nothing about it. Justin wasn’t trying to discover such things, he just did, and all he could think was that the cancer was back.
Justin knew Brian wouldn’t keep something like that from him again… except maybe when Justin was pregnant, nearly full-term, and trying to avoid stress.
Shit.
So he made a special point of telling Brian he wanted to know anything that happened. Good or bad, if he thought it would upset him or not, Justin wanted to know.
Brian made a somewhat affirmative-sounding grunt, kissed him on the cheek, petted his stomach, and was gone.
He wasn’t proud of it, and he blamed the hormones, but one morning while Brian was on the treadmill, Justin snooped through Brian’s cell phone . Amidst the names and numbers he recognized, he found one he didn’t, repeated a few times… Dr. WILD. Once his husband jumped in the shower, Justin summoned his courage and called the number, prepared to pretend to be Brian and ask a receptionist when his appointment was.
Instead, he got a private voice mail. “You’ve reached Alex…”? Quickly hung up.
Justin couldn’t think why Brian would have an oncologist’s private cell number. Sure, they had Dr. Reynard’s, in case of emergency, but that was different. What if it wasn’t even really a doctor? “Dr. WILD” could be a legitimate name, but with the all caps, it sounded more like someone you’d call a 900 number to talk to. What if…
He didn’t want to think it, but in the ninth month, their sex life was down to pretty much nothing. Maybe Brian…
No. He wouldn’t. Even when Brian was tricking, there were no names or numbers. Besides, they were married, they were fucking raw (when they were fucking), and the baby was almost there.
…But, maybe it was all too much?
NO. Justin mentally slapped himself for even thinking those things for a second. And again, harder, ten minutes later when Brian was fixing him breakfast (well, toast) and kissing him tenderly.
That was just how much he didn’t want Brian to be sick again, Justin figured. Imagining infidelity was actually preferable.
Besides being closer to the hospital, which was the main reason for it, one of the good things about staying at the loft for the last few weeks of pregnancy was being much closer to Kinnetik and lunch together being an option. But when Justin offered, Brian said he couldn’t, that he’d be working straight through.
“Isn’t one of the perks of owning your own agency supposed to be that you can take lunch whenever you want?”
“No, it just means all the work is ultimately on you.“ Brian looked apologetic.
“I know. And if I want you to be able to take time off after he’s born, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.” Justin finished in a laughably Tony Soprano-esque voice.
Brian’s mouth wavered but he didn’t quite laugh. “Yeah… Wise Guy.” He leaned into Justin, kissed his forehead, his mouth. “You should have lunch with your mom. Have her come over here. Or see if Michael can leave that greasy kid in charge of the store and-”
“I might do that. But I don’t need a sitter.”
Justin knew Brian worried a little about him being alone these days. But he still had a couple of weeks to go.
Brian nodded tiredly, having heard that many times. “I know.”
*****
Justin went back to bed for a couple of hours and was woken by a cell phone ring. Not his. Brian’s. He’d forgotten to slip the phone back after his snooping.
Justin couldn’t imagine Brian functioning without his cell for a whole day. He was kind of itching to go out, anyway, and their new car (NOT a minivan, but… roomy) wanted to be driven, so he decided to drive to Kinnetik to deliver the phone. Brian wouldn’t be happy with him, but once he was there, maybe he could corner his husband into having lunch.
He was relieved to find his pregnant belly still fit behind the wheel. He secured his seat belt as he looked out the windshield at the gray sky and hoped it didn’t rain. Brian’s phone sounded again. A text message.
Justin paused briefly. Grasped the phone, flipped open, pushed the button to see… Dr. WILD. Pushed again.
12:15 today, Woody’s, still good? See you at our usual table.
Justin felt sick as he started the engine, destination slightly changed.
*****
“How are you feeling this week?”
Brian made a face.
“Sorry, forgot, you don’t like that F word. Damn my shrink speak. How’s it hanging?”
“You wish you knew, Doc.”
“Photographic memory,” Alex grinned. “But… seriously, Brian.”
“Almost ripped some fag’s head off the other day.”
Dr. Wilder didn’t blink. “Care to tell why?”
“Justin and I were walking, down fucking Liberty, and this piece of shit passing us looks at Justin, at his stomach, and mouths, ‘disgusting.’ He was fucking lucky I had my arm around Justin or it would have been wrapped around his neck.”
“Did Justin see?”
“I don’t think so, which is why I let it go.”
“Something similar has happened before, yes?”
“Few times. Some people you expect it from, but when it comes from queers, it pisses me off so much more.”
“It’s not dissimilar to the negative reaction transgenders often receive from inside the LGBT community that’s supposed to include them. It’s not right but it is… human, I suppose, to lash out at things we don’t understand.”
“Hey, there’s a lot of shit I don’t understand, but doesn’t mean it’s necessarily wrong. I’m even willing to admit that about heteros now.”
“That’s extremely open-minded of you, Brian,” Alex lightly teased. “But, sadly, suffering prejudice personally doesn’t mean you can’t be prejudiced against others. A woman can be racist. Someone of a racial minority can be a homophobe. And a gay person can hate transgenders or heterosexuals or a pregnant man.”
“So, the world is an asshole. And I’m bringing another kid into it.”
Alex put a hand over Brian’s, with a smile and a squeeze. “And you can’t fucking wait, can you?”
Brian’s face lit and curved into his best impression of a Sunshine smile. “Nope.”
“Well, part of me hates to say it, but I don’t think you need these little talks anymore.”
So close to the end of the pregnancy, Brian had been feeling… overwhelmed. He was reluctant even to admit that, and he hadn’t wanted to put it on Justin. They talked, talked all the time about their hopes and fears, and Justin was always there to exorcise Jack from Brian’s mind when that specter started to creep up. But sometimes it was good to bounce his sillier worries… or, like that day, things he thought would hurt his husband unnecessarily… off the good doctor, who was detached but a little snarky and could give unbiased advice over a drink at Woody’s. They’d met for this sort of informal almost-therapy once or twice a week for the last few weeks. Brian never mentioned it to Justin because he didn’t want Justin to think talking to a shrink, in whatever capacity, meant he was having second thoughts about the baby.
“I’m declaring you fully equipped to deal with your own happiness, Mr. Kinney.”
“Fuck. I’m all grown up.”
Alex had a real appointment to get to and left the bar just a minute or two ahead of Brian. As Brian was leaving, the bartender called out, reaching to hand him something.
“What the fuck are you doing with my cell phone?”
“Blond guy dropped it off, said to give it to you. Cute but big as a house. He looked upset.”
The bartender was pretty new, and Justin (not drinking, not smoking) hadn’t set foot in the bar in almost nine months, so he didn’t know him.
Brian tried to process everything quickly. Justin had brought him his cell phone. Justin was driving? Shit, it was pouring down rain. Justin must have seen him with Alex. Fuck, what did it look like to him? Did he think…?
Brian ran outside and jumped in the Corvette, immediately drenched, hitting his speed dial as his tires squealed away from the curb before his windshield wipers were even on.
Justin…
*****
Justin didn’t understand. The man touching Brian’s hand, the way Brian smiled at him, he didn’t understand any of it.
It was raining so hard he couldn’t even tell if he was crying. And he wasn’t sure if he was driving home or where, or how long he had been, he was just driving.
His lower back was hurting more than usual. Now that he thought about it, he guessed it had been since he woke up, but not like this. He wished it would stop.
AAAHH, but suddenly it was his stomach and it was so much worse. Before was dull and this was sharp. Sharp pain inside and he was afraid for the baby and he was letting go of the wheel.
Brian…
*****
He didn’t know how he’d known, but he’d known that Justin was heading towards Britin instead of the loft. Even in the thunderstorm, Brian sped.
Five miles from the house, Brian almost didn’t see the car that had driven off the side of the road, its silver gone gray through the downpour.
He slammed on brakes and just managed to keep his own car from skidding out of control.
“JUSTIN!” he screamed, jumping out and running through the accusatory glare of his high beams, thunder clapping and nearly drowning him out.
Justin’s car hadn’t crashed, and thankfully the airbag hadn’t deployed. Justin had managed to keep the car running along the road’s edge, slowing, missing the trees… before he passed out.
Brian yanked violently at the driver door handle, hand slipping trying to get the locked car open, nearly desperate enough to punch through the glass, before remembering and running back to the Corvette for his keys.
One engine down, Justin’s door open, for a moment everything was eerily still. White noise of rain and heartbeat.
“Justin, no, no, no. Justin, open your eyes.”
He’d been here before.
It didn’t look like Justin had hit his head, but he was unconscious. Arm limply under his belly like he had been holding it. There was blood, down low, staining clothes, the seat. No.
They’d been here, with Justin unconscious, Brian begging, blood. But it wasn’t just them anymore.
Baby. Brian reached out, hand shaky, shivering. Touched Justin’s stomach, his face. Brian was cold. Justin was still warm. Justin was always so warm.
Brian looked around wildly. No cars passing, no one. Hospital, far away. Cell phone, no signal.
He was afraid to move Justin but he had to. Unbuckled the seat belt and tried to push Justin carefully, hurriedly, over to the passenger side. Climbed in and wrapped an arm around his back, one under his legs, just managed to gently lift him enough to place him in the other seat. Grabbed the steering wheel like a man possessed.
Left a handprint of dark red.
“You can’t leave. You would have killed me before but now it’s so much… more.” Fingers gripped Justin’s fingers, the ring. “Both of you. You have to stay with me. Forever, fuck, just… please…”
God, help…
“Wake up.”
What if this storm ends?
And leaves us nothing
Except a memory
A distant echo
Ad Infinitum
no subject
--:o)
“Oh God, I’m sorry! I just can’t control these things!” Then stormed off into the bathroom.
--...but it was funny. I'd totally be that person.
“You can’t leave. You would have killed me before but now it’s so much… more.” Fingers gripped Justin’s fingers, the ring. “Both of you. You have to stay with me. Forever, fuck, just… please…”
God, help…
“Wake up.”
--NO. Fuck. He really is Sonny.
no subject
I know, right?? ;-b At least I didn't toss preggers Justin down a flight of stairs.
no subject
no subject
by the way, it was a great chapter ;-) but do ou have to be so mean?
no subject
no subject
That's just mean.
no subject